Itsutxoak / blind little ones

 

Itsutxoak / blind little ones

Ez gutxitan imajinatzen dut biok garela itsuak eta ez garela ikusten, ezta ezagutzen ere fisikoki jaiotzetik diot, bada horrelako jendea, bai. baina bai elkar ezagutu genuen eskola berezi batean eta inoiz ikusi gabeko koloreak jakin gabe gure begiak berde, urdin, gris eta hori zirela esaten zigutelako irakasleek eta gurasoek oso antzekoak ziren. Eta hori ez ezik, enpatia kulturala eta filosofikoa xuxurla polita zen, eraikin horretako hirugarren solairuan, mapan kokatzeko gai ez ginatekeen lekuan. Nire maitasuna itsua da. Ea egunen batean maita nazakezun eta desiratu, zure begietatik ezabatuz izan naizen edo izan naitekeen guztizkoa. Ez baitut ezer ezkutatzen, deskribatzen dizut, nire hutsuneak, nahi baitut ez dadin damutu elkarrekin gaudenean. Horrela gehiago estutzen dut kafearen algoritmoa, pasioak itsuturik pentsatzen dut, baina metodo zientifikoa guztiz utzi gabe. Frogatu egiten dut algoritmoa, ekuazioa. Dena azalduko dizut aditzekin eta eskuarekin, amets eginaraziko dizut. Orain infinitibo positibistak erabiltzen ditut, Mikel... kontzentratu... Dena litzateke, liteke, ez nahi dut, desiratzen dut, agintzen dut. Zure ametsetako paristarraren makilekin, erritmo onean, elkarrekin pasabide argitsuetatik paseatzen gara, hain argitsu sentitzen ditugunak gure masailetako berotasunagatik, orduak hitz egiteak ekartzen digun gorritasunagatik, ez da normala, Maria! Gizon eta emakumea? Orduak hitz egiten? Bai... Eta nik ipuin bat kontatzen dizut, chirulí esaten dute nire hirian... Maitasun itsua, zure akatsak ikusten ez dituena, izango dituzu, baina agian inkontzienteki ezin dizut esan, gutxienez zu ni gabe ezin bizi zaren arte, jajaja! M! Aurten 365 egun poema, testu, dei, hitzordu arraro erdi artifizial eta arriskutsuez beteta izango dira, baina urteen poderioz hobera egingo duela uste dut. Erantzungo zenidake gustatuko litzaizukeen 2033 bat, hau bezalakoa baina hobetua, 2032 hau bezala, biok izan dezakegun adiskidetasun sendoenaren lehen urtea, agian, nor daki? ... Zure aurpegia ikusi gabe, amesten zaitut. Ikusi gabe, badakit zer amesten duzun. Egunkaria begiratu gabe, gure gustuak ezagutzen ditugu. Elkarrekin zerumuga ikusi gabe, sentitzen dugu eguzkia desagertzen. Ez nauzu ikusten, baina amesten zaitut. Ez nauzu ikusi une erabakigarrietan, gertu. Ez nauzu erruduntzat jo, ez bainintzen ezagutzen. Bestela, duela 20 urte ezkonduko nintzatekeen zurekin. Baina orduan ez zenituzkeen izango sei seme-alaba hauek, eta hobe da ni lehenago ez existitu izana, ezta? Zu zara nire maitasuna, ezta? Nirea, diot. Aipa dezakezu, ez du zure sentimenduekin zerikusirik, besterik gabe jakin, onartu, barneratu, zure izatea, zu, nire benetako maitasuna zarela. Nire maitasuna, zerikusirik ez duena zurekin, baizik eta nirekin. Ez esan ezer, hobe. Pentsatu bakarrik. Dutxan, paseoan, aita eta semeak musukatzen dituzunean. "M'en maitasuna naiz". Ez esan ezer. Pentsatu. Egia da. Hurrengo Big Bang-eraino maitatuko zaitut. Agur, M.

Not a few times I imagine that we are both blind and that we do not see or recognize each other physically from birth, I mean, there are people like that, yes. But we did meet in a special school and without knowing unseen colors our green, blue, gray, and yellow eyes as our teachers and parents told us were so similar. And not only that but our cultural and philosophical empathy was a beautiful murmur on the third floor of that building that we wouldn’t be able to place on a map. My love is blind. I hope that one day you can love me and desire me, erasing from your eyes everything bad I have been or maybe. Because I hide nothing, I describe it to you, my flaws, on purpose, so that you won’t regret it once we are together. Thus, I stress the coffee’s algorithm even more, thinking blindly with passion, but without altogether abandoning the scientific method. I put it to the test, the algorithm, the equation. I will detail everything with verbs and hands, I will make you dream more. Now I use positivist infinitives, Mikel… focus… Everything is Would, Could, never I want, I wish, I command, no…     With the canes of the Parisian in your dreams, rhythmic, in sync, we stroll through luminous hallways, which we feel as such because of the warmth on our cheeks, adding to the blush of talking for hours, which is not normal, M! Man and woman? Talking for hours? Uh-huh. I tell you a chirulí tale, as they say in my city… Blind love, that does not see your flaws, though you have them, but maybe, unconsciously, I dare not tell you, at least not until you are completely madly in love, hahaha! M! This year will be 365 days of poems, texts, calls, strange, semi-artificial and risky meetings, but I think it will improve over the years. Would you know how to answer whether you'd like a 2033 like this one but better? Like this 2032, the first year of the strongest friendship we both may ever have, perhaps, who knows? … Without seeing you, I dream of you. Without looking, I know what you dream of. Without reading the press, we know our tastes. Without watching the horizon together, we feel the sun as it sets. You do not see me, but I dream of you. You have not seen me in your key moments, close. Do not blame me, I did not know you. Otherwise, I would have asked you to marry me 20 years ago. But then you wouldn't have these six children, so it's better I didn’t exist before, right? You are my love, right? Mine, I mean. You can say it, it has nothing to do with your feelings, just knowing, acknowledging, assimilating, internalizing that your being, you are my true love. My love, nothing to do with you, but with me. Do not say it, better not. Just think it. In the shower, on a walk, when you kiss your father and children. "I am M’s love." Do not say it. Think. It is true. I will love you until the next Big Bang. Bye, M.